Tuesday, 25 March 2008

Competitive moms

As I stood at my front door, smoking my breakfast, on Sunday morning a chill went down my back. I was gripped with fear. I began to shake and my mind was awash with a nightmare from not so long ago. And I don't mean Saturday night. Vivid flashbacks engulfed me, greens and swirly things and golds and tears. Soon my lovely, quaint wee restaurant would be filled with the children of the corn with their scary hair and scary complexions. Oh the hair it scares me so.

Is it real?

Does it move on it's own?

Why the hair?

Is there power within the hair?

But it's more than the hair. It's so much more than the hair and the vivid complexions. It was too late to phone in sick. Maybe I could cause an accident on the way in. Maybe I could throw myself down the stairs. I'm far to much of a chicken for that.

Shit.

I would just have to take my chances. I would have to be a brave little soldier.

Be tough, yeah!

Go Team Me!

For Sunday, dear friends, saw the return of......

THE IRISH DANCING WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS!

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGHHH!

TEN THOUSAND OF THEM N ALL!!


they're not right......
look at the hair!!!
the hair!!!!

But it's not the kids I'm scared off. It's the mothers, or should I say moms. It's the Americans, oh sweet jumping Jesus they scare the creak right out of my back. You see I assumed Irish Dancing was an enjoyable way for people to take part in Irish culture. But not so for the Americans. Hell no. They are here to win. And they approach jumping about with a straight back as serious as they do the 100 metres. I assume without the performance enhancing drugs, but it wouldn't surprise me. Who do they think they are coming over here with their positive mental attitudes and "winners don't eat chips" diets. This weeks gonna be "fun" eh......

I might have to go back on the oysters........

28 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Sam, Problemchildbride said...

Irish dancing is the single dorkiest kind of dancing in the cosmos. Some of these people can bend their knees the wrong way! Gah! And why no arm movements? It's not like people have tiny wee inexpressive T-Rex arms. why do the dangle so uselessly. It looks so uncomfortable and unnatural, a blur of knee-socks and rubber legs. I did not get the mass appeal of Riverdance at all so I reckon it might just be me, but watching on the telly is enough to make you think you're vertical-hold's gone on the picture.

The judges of these things must have Shirley Temple fetishes too. That hair!

Sam, Problemchildbride said...

Your vertical hold. Far be it from me to accuse anyone of being a vertical hold.

bendersbetterbrother said...

I never got the Joey Deacon dancing. I find it even funnier now that they think everyone in Ireland must have curly tresses and to stand a chance of winning the "wear an invisible straight jacket" competition you HAVE to have curly hair, even if it's polyester and comes from China.

Go back to MSB for some of their poisonous oysters. That should do it. Better still, send THEM there.

Manuel said...

Sam: oh I blame flatley for all of it. It used to be fine in church halls and at parish sports days and what have you......he made them see the cash potential......the bastard....

bbb: what the fuck is with the wigs? what? I never said it was MSB's oysters.....i also didn't say it wasn't theirs either.....

Medbh said...

This reeks of Jon Benet Ramsey syndrome.
Who would put that much makeup on a child?
Madness.

Manuel said...

medbh: it used to be "sweet Irish coleens" with big leg muscles, now it's pre teens model types.......all very stepford wives type stuff......not like when i did ballet at all.......

Native Minnow said...

Kind of like the little kids at the beauty pageant in Little Miss Sunshine, these ones creep me out.

Old Knudsen said...

As no one else is going to own up to it, I like to look at their knickers when they jump.

Manuel said...

minnow: with the sleazy grandads too....

old k: ........dirty dirty dirty....I'm telling Ian...

Jason Dittle said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous Boxer said...

Oh jeez, I looked! I looked at the hair!

THE HORROR....................

witchypoo said...

Were you having coffee when you smoked your breakfast? Because that's known as a whore's breakfast. Are you a whore, or do you just eat like one?

daisyfae said...

thank god they're all on your side of the pond... creepy, bouncy, robotic stepford corn-children. safe for me to hit the local irish-esque pubs for the next week.

the hair reminds me of pasta. strange that you don't get the hair... i always thought that was part of the culture.

MJ said...

Oh good gawd I looked at the hair and I'm damaged.

travelling, but not in love said...

Again, another reason why Our Lord wept.

I'd have to run and hide. They give me the creeps.

savannah said...

damn, i had no idea y'all felt so strongly about american participation, sugar! our lil ole town has sent 2 darling children over to dance for all ya'll! (sadly, all the poor cherubs could talk about was winning something, anything, her with her bouncing curls and him all dark haired and blue eyed...wonder if those were contacts..you know, for effect)

Manuel said...

boxer: oh the horror eh....

witchypoo: I had just finished some, so what does that make me? part whore?

daisyfae: no! the hair thing is fairly new.......no need....

mj: you were always damaged....

traveling.....: welcome, he wasn't the only one...

savannah: it's not American participation, it's their winning everything that's the problem......

savannah said...

sweet jesus, you mean these kids have a chance of winning???? my gawd, sugar, no wonder all ya'll are upset!

savannah said...

you'll love this

it's all happening in the bronx, sugar!

and there's a video!

Manuel said...

Savannah: oh hell yeah, Americans don't lose!! Oh my god! what's gone wrong in the bronx!!!!?

Manuel said...

savannah: actually they are really good......

Sam, problemchildbride said...

That link is brilliant, Savannah. That was sheer pleasure to watch.

witchypoo said...

I'm decorating you with bling, my pretty...

Flirty Something said...

Bloody hell it was a miracle if my hair was brushed -

smoking your breakfast - lol

Manuel said...

sam: really good dancers eh.....

witchypoo: awh shucks thanks.....

flirty: that's my best line in ages......

K8 the Gr8 said...

Yes it is increadibly difficult to out-naff Morris dancing, but we did it, by jove.

Button Ginger said...

You'll be stunned to know that's not real hair....like the mad fake tans and the panstick make-up, the hair's fake too.

I'm an Irish Londoner living in Birmingham and there are professional wig makers who make kiddy sized wigs for the little freaks.

Once upon a time, it was a country dance now, even before that feckin' Riverdance, there are insane super-competitive mothers, girls in wigs, 3 inches of slap and eye crunching miniskirt costumes so short they have to co-ordinate their underwear.

Wow, a whole week of that. You must have been thanking God when they'd gone.

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