Wednesday, 27 February 2008

Nerds are people too, just very annoying people

I had a fun fun fun table of eight land in on me about an hour before closing.
They received my usual "me angry waiter, you stupid customer" caveman type greeting that I reserve for tables of 8 that arrive within an hour of closing without a reservation.

I followed it up with sarcasm, mild fury, and a snarling (and mumbled) lecture about how reserving tables can really save time.

Nerds are just so easily frightened.
I felt bad and spent the next fifteen minutes over compensating.

So after a bit of huffing and puffing from me I seated them. In they came with their unwashed hair and peculiar body odors. The lead orks had laptops with them. Those without waddled behind a little sadder looking than the leaders it has to be said as if they haven't yet won the right to carry a laptop. That challenge has yet to be completed.

I actually like serving nerds, geeks, and people with more online identities than actual friends. There is something almost naive and childlike about them. Ok childlike in a freakish sort of way but childlike all the same. I don't know why but we seem to get a lot of these types of tables, it's like we are on some sort of "approved" list floating about on an internet message board somewhere, probably geekchat.com, fuck that actually exists! Well you get the point. We probably score high in the "No Jock" category and the warnings on the menus about nuts and gluten probably please them too.

There are two types of nerdish tables, the first is proud of it's nerd credentials and lets you know that what they lack in social skills they make for in smarts, D & D tournament wins, and because they boast the largest soft rock collection this side of Boston. They wear t-shirts with dragons emblazoned across their chest, jeans with black shoes, and bloody awful denim jackets. They love that they are nerds and don't care who knows it!

The second type is, in many respects, the complete opposite. They would rather be home reading the history of BASIC even though they have read it 50 times but it reminds them of a happier, simpler time. Going out for dinner is a major moment for these kids, they would much rather be at home heating some allergen free soup in a microwave. There are no t-shirts with dragons, "witty" slogans like "my other computer is a porsche", or characters from South Park. No instead there are jumpers, shirts, corduroy trousers and duffle coats. They go red when you talk to them, they cant make a decision, they don't speak loud enough so that you can hear them, and you can see their sense of relief when the whole torturous ordering process is over. Poor lambs.

Tonight's table were definitely from the second camp of nerds. Despite having brains the size of Televisions and the ability to do mental arithmetic, they can probably do the hard stuff like 6x8 and 7x8 with ease, they were intimidated by me. Now I know my welcoming was a little rough but I tried to make amends quickly by cracking a few jokes, which died, to show that I was a friend to the nerd. To be honest I was worried about the little 32 year old guy at the end of the table peeing himself as I stood there cracking jokes with my hand on his shoulder. Physical contact is a big no-no in nerdish culture.

Just like taking orders from children you have to be patient and resist the urge to shout at them. You just have to wait as they throw the 12 sided dice in their head to decide what they want for their first course. At least with the overt nerds you know about their allergies before they order as they announce them as if it was something to be proud of.

"I cant have dairy, nuts, or beetroot! Thus I am the king of this table and you shall be my serfs! Now give me all your points"

Not so with my table of super brains. I had to delicately eek and pry each life threatening ailment out of them. I had to go to the kitchen twice to check the ingredients of the soup to see if it contained nuts or had been prepared in an area that contained nuts. The fact that it had been made by nuts wasn't a factor though.

Ten heart breaking, grueling, suffering, breathing through my mouth because the stench from lead ork was so bad minutes later I got my order!

Yippee!

I was relieved.

They were relieved!

The kitchen were not so happy. They don't like a lot of substituting and leaving out of ingredients, it upsets them so. I had to go and warn them to follow my instructions to the letter or we would end up with 8 dead nerds or at least 8 bloated, spotty, and itchy nerds. And I didn't want to have to clean that up.

After the starters were served they seemed to warm to their surroundings, much like a new pet does when you take it home. They began to relax and laugh a little. It was sweet to watch them, much like a new pet. They still went sheepish when I visited the table. But that's ok, I like my customers with a bit of fear in them.

Remember nerds are people too, they are just people with huge brains, bad clothes, and a predilection for fantasy role play and antihistamines. Bless......

(no offence intended to the many nerds that read well done fillet, you know who you are. And so do I)

36 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

savannah said...

sugar, you ALWAYS make me smile! i could see those little darlings trying to decide what to have. (i'm secretly jealous of the little nebbishes myself...techo doofus that i am)

Medbh said...

Hmmm.
I have the allergy thing going on but I like nice clothes so maybe I'm only part nerd?
A nerd hybrid?

I hope they were good to you and not too awkward, Manuel.
Were there any women at the table or was it dudes only?

Gypsy said...

You are SO damn cute when you are being all paternal ;)

Anonymous Boxer said...

The real question is, how do they tip.

(and btw, I forgive you.)

Alan in Belfast said...

Dying of embarrassment. Can't help but wonder if the eight guys were colleagues of mine across for today and tomorrow's meetings?!

Thanks for looking after them.

dave said...

Oh man.
I have to admit I work in the nerd/geek world, but under no circumstances do I fall into your category!
My job finishes at 5pm and after that I couldn't give a flying f**k about computers.
I also have the largest hard rock collection this side of the Lagan.

Conan Drumm said...

I'm with AB, how do they tip? Do they take out logarithm calculators?

sheepworrier said...

The geek chic look has done alot for nerds recently. I know one drop-dead gorgeous girl who absolutely loves nerds. Apparently she finds them cute and wants to know what they keep in their backpacks.

Btw, is there any difference between Nerds, Geeks and (Rude Dog & the) Dweebs?

bendersbetterbrother said...

Does spending several hours every day updating a selection of websites and blogs not qualify you as being a nerd?

Perhaps manuel you get more than your fair share of nerds because they're drawn to you. Perhaps they even know who you are and are on some sort of pilgrimage not unlike the Haj. They're probably wearing WDF badges under their dufflecoats.

Manuel said...

Savannah: awh I'd rather be a technophobe than a nerd......

Medbh: Only part nerd eh? You read terry pratchett but have social skills....cool.....there were two women at the table, one of them was a lead nerd, the other a follower nerd......

Gypsy: no I'm just so damn cute period.......

boxer: ah! that's why you box! Actually they tipped quite well, for nerds, bout 15%

alan in belfast: maybe so......hey are you going on Saturday?

Dave: the nerd doth protest too much...

conan: they roll a twelve sided dice and make a decision from that.....

Sheepo: non what so ever......and your "friend" is a nerdophile.....

Manuel said...

BBB: well I'm shocked, a blogger doth not a nerd make......and that from mr ubuntuuu or whatever the hell it's called......I'm going to write a very long message about this on geekchat.com.......

sheepworrier said...

Whats with the "friend" thing, Manuel?

Manuel said...

sheepo: it's you isn't it? c'mon you are amongst friends here.......well done fillet is nerd friendly....

sheepworrier said...

If only I were a hot lookin girl Manuel... if only...

*slips into fantasy of being jessica alba for a day*

Manuel said...

sheepo: [wipes down walls of the blog]

Alan in Belfast said...

Can't make it down on Saturday - my wife got in first with a trip to the US, so I'm on chief baby-sitting duties.

Manuel said...

AIB: WHAT! Well that's a disappointment.......next time....

Alan in Belfast said...

We'll have to come across for dinner somenight instead. Wearing our badges :)

Manuel said...

AIB: CRIKEY!!

conortje said...

BBB is right - every non-blogger thinks we are nerds. Don't worry though - you've got us :-)

Manuel said...

conortje: awh.....shucks.....

yoyo said...

I tap five mana to play Lava Axe, thus causing you five points of damage!
I Also attack with my Ryusei the falling star,a 5/5. As you have no creatures to block with, I deal another 5 damage to you!


I'm so leet it hurts.

Manuel said...

yoyo: I deflect your nerdish attack with my shield of indifference and gaggle of actual friends....not virtual friends....hehehehehe

Dr. James McInerney said...

only yesterday I was defending the nerds on my blog.

My friends and I have written the algorithm, based loosely on a neural network first developed for Astrophysics, but modified later for bioinformatics, that will finally put that smile on the other side of your face, or crianiatum facadium, as I like to call it.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

(Was the last bit too '80s?)

INNER VOICES said...

yes, yes.. nerds are people too... i understand, but can you eat them and how would they taste...

livesbythewoods said...

I'd never thought of myself as a nerd, but having done the Doctor Who exhibition, then chatted to workmates about it, and seen the pity in their eyes, I think maybe I am one.

Ah well.

Least I now know I can get good service in a restaurant if I look pathetic and sappy enough.

fatmammycat said...

Aw, that was beautiful They ARE people, vile smelly people.

Curly K said...

You really do have a soft spot for nerds behind it all Manuel - you've gone all soft and mushy on us LOL

Mr. DNA said...

In your own snarky way you seem to be becoming a softy.

Are you really just a super nice guy who pretends to be sarcastic and bitter?

The next post isn't about unicorns and rainbows is it?

Manuel said...

the good doctor: welcome! have you been here before? I'll pop by yours in a mo....

voices: weak and milky I'd say....

woodie: defo nerd!

fmc: but aren't they? wonder why........?

curly: I do you know....it's a weakness that needs to be purged...

mr dna: no, no it's not....very definitely not.....

yoyo said...

Oooh, Ouch!

Ali said...

Brilliant post. The next time I go out to eat, I am totally proclaiming myself Queen of the table. Hee hee hee.

Sharon said...

I like you even more now. I know and am friends with many people who could be described as nerds, mostly of the 2nd type.

Manuel said...

yoyo: yeah you take that...huh....

Ali: yeah but do it in to yourself......not out loud....

Sharon: awh bless em though.....little strange people that they are.....

Robert Synnott said...

I'm type two, I'm afraid, except no allergies. That I know of. Oh, dear.

fgeegf said...

成人電影,情色,本土自拍, 情色聊天室, 寄情築園小遊戲, AV女優,成人電影,情色,本土自拍, A片下載, 日本A片, 麗的色遊戲, 色色網, ,嘟嘟情人色網, 色情網站, 成人網站, 正妹牆, 正妹百人斬, aio,伊莉, 伊莉討論區, 成人遊戲, 成人影城,
ut聊天室, 免費A片, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網,
美女交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人貼圖, 成人電影, A片, 豆豆聊天室, 聊天室, UT聊天室, 尋夢園聊天室, 男同志聊天室, UT男同志聊天室, 聊天室尋夢園, 080聊天室, 080苗栗人聊天室, 6K聊天室, 女同志聊天室, 小高聊天室, 情色論壇, 色情網站, 成人網站, 成人論壇, 免費A片, 上班族聊天室, 成人聊天室, 成人小說, 微風成人區, 色美媚部落格, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人論壇,
日本A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友, 本土自拍, 免費A片下載, 性愛,
成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, aV, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片,成人電影,情色,本土自拍,