Friday, 30 November 2007

Not so Rosie Cheeks anymore - An Obituary

This picture was actually painted by Warhol when Rosie was a young woman

It is with very deep regret and upset that I must announce the death of fellow blogger Rosie Cheeks (58) who blogged at The Spanish Exposition. Rosie was a vivacious but somewhat cynical writer. She would spent most of her time blogging about her constant battle with the manager of her local Supermac's fast food restaurant where she was a daily customer. Everyday she would arrive into the fast food joint with her 8 kids in tow. Her problems with the manager, Keith (22), stemmed from her insistence that she and her kids get preferential treatment as they used the store 3 times a day, 4 at the weekend. She wrote nasty, personal attacks on Keith, the last being, "Keith from Supermac's enjoys granny porn." This was of course completely untrue. When asked how he felt about Ms Cheeks death Keith replied, "Dead? Really? Can I see the body? That's fucking great. Do you wanna bacon burger and coleslaw chip? It's on me."

Rosie described herself as being a "cynical romantic" on her blogger profile. And this was indeed true. She took a new lover the way most of us take breakfast. But she never settled down with any of them. She left a string of broken hearts in her wake, and at it. She settled instead for the company of a troupe of Scandinavian Hip Hop artists who she let live in her house in exchange for doing odd jobs and performing once a week for the amusement of her and her kids. A performance that the rappers began to hate giving. "They would make us do hip hop versions of things like The Fields of Athenry and Jimmy Cracked Corn. It was humiliating schnizzle" said MC Sven. "Yeah but we will miss her, suppose we have to find somewhere else to live now, damn it."

Rosie didn't work. She maintained her lifestyle through the maintenance provided by the many father's to her 8 children. Rosie always made sure to choose men with gold cards and at least a BMW 4 series. She also supplemented this income with her own mail order business selling bars of chocolate and sweets no longer available in shops. She had the largest stock of Marathon bars and Opal Fruits in Europe. This business took a knock when Cadburys reintroduced the Wispa into the market. She was very upset by this the Wispa had been her top seller. She reacted very badly and tried to blockade Cadbury's local distribution centre. She chained herself and her kids to the gates of the factory but the protest fell apart when little Rosie Junior(14) remembered that it was two for one on curry chips at Supermacs. The family loved their curry chips.

Rosie fell out with her family back in 87, a rift that was never healed. This was in part due to her affair with Simon Climie from the popular pop duo of the times Climie Fisher. The family had always been Duran Duran fans and had travelled together all over Europe to see them in concert. Rosie though refused to go preferring the soul inspired easy pop of Climie Fisher. This was typical Rosie, always one to do her own thing. Mr Fisher was unavailable for comment. Her extended family said they wouldn't be attending either as there was a Duran Duran marathon on VH1.

Rosie will be missed by all who knew her, well not all, but by a lot of people. She is survived by her 8 children, Posie (36), Mosie (32), Josie (30), Sosie (19), Rosie Jr (14), Simon (12), Kosie (10), and Hosie (8). And by 3 dogs, 2 fish, and a donkey named Charlie. And by a Scandinavian Hip Hop Crew called MC Sven & the Anderson's. Service is outside Supermacs on O'Connell Street, followed by coke and burgers inside with a performance by MC Sven and the Anderson's.

Obviously all this is made up, with the exception of Rosie's age (26? pffft) and affair with Simon Climie. Okay that's made up to. So who will write my obituary...........?

11 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Old Knudsen said...

In life Manuel thought he was daddy cool always on about tips and chasing the Dragon but now hes dead and will be missed by..................

Old Knudsen will miss him as the bastard owes him 5 quid.

MJ said...

Pay Old K what you owe him so he'll write the rest of your obit, would ya?

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

*Holding your skull*

Alas! Poor Manuel, I knew him Old Knudsen. A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent Primark trousers.

Dennis said...

Hilarious, Manuel! My favorite line is: "She left a string of broken hearts in her wake, and at it."

Let's see...the end of your obit might read something like this:

"At 35-years-old, Manuel was the eldest member of the restaurant staff, and though he was well liked and respected by his peers, they often commented about his quirky nature.

"When a wedding party visited the restaurant, for example, Manuel was frequently heard soothing his much younger female co-workers with, 'Don't worry, honey, I'm sure you will be next.'

"'That's okay, though,' said long-time waitress Andi O'Meara. 'Anytime a funeral party came in, we said the same thing to Manuel.

"'At least WE were right.'

"Reportedly, Manuel is survived by many empty tables."

(Rest in) Peace,

- Dennis

Rosie said...

a flattering tribute, my skivvy friend.

one good turn deserves another:

bendersbetterbrother said...

Fuck me, what's happened the commenting settings?
Can't comments be made by non Blogger types now?

Dennis said...

This post is made up? Oh....

Anonymous said...

Never mind the obituary Manuel, I'll do the tea and sandwiches, I learned from the master!!!

Medbh said...

It's a bit early for morbidity.
I don't like to think about obituaries ahead of time.
Superstitious? Perhaps.

Anonymous Boxer said...

For what blog? You're up to about 6 now, yes?

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