The Nobel Prize for Waiting goes to...

I would cry too
in fact I'd make Ms Berry look like the personification of control

I got a phone call last Tuesday afternoon from the Glorious Leader (The General Manager) telling me that I was being nominated for an award, Best Front of House. I hadn't realised that the Nobel Committee gave out such an award but there you go. (Local magazine if I'm being truthful) I played it cool on the phone, "Okay, sure, that's fine, thanks for letting me know." But when I hung up the phone I did a little dance of delight around the sitting room. I had to stop though as I was all puffed out from my two minutes of exercise. As I dried the sweat from my brow I began to think about what this could mean. Sure, a night out at a glitzy awards ceremony alongside the great and the good from the local food and drink industry and c list celebrities is all very exciting but there could be repercussions. And not just because I would get blasted to bits on free champagne, I have previous for doing this at awards ceremonies.

The world of competitive waiting isn't a pretty place. There's more eye gouging and back biting than your average ice skating event. "Buy's his trousers in Primark you know." "I heard he doesn't even like Fois Gras!" Oh it's bitchy. God forbid I did make it onto the shortlist or even won, unlikely having seen the nominations so far, I think such an accolade could be some what of a poison chalice. Think about it, people would want to knock you all the time. Customers, and the management, would expect you to be just fan-fucking-tastic on every shift. Let me tell you something, that isn't possible unless you are on something. I have more moods than the Dulux paint collection and most aren't of a positive vibe. It's not as if I would even get a pay rise out of it either.

So what to do? Do I go for it and try and win or do I forget about it and just let whatever happens happen? The awards aren't announced until early next year. That means I have to be nice to everybody at all times between now and next February. Good holy fuck I just don't have that in me. I will have to fight my natural bah humbug instincts. I am a competitive person and will want to win. But I am a lazy person too and cant be bothered with the hassle of it all. And if I did make it on to the shortlist I would want to shout about it on here, and I cant! My secret identity must remain just that. This is catch-22 Manuel style.

Another issue, and major personality flaw, is that I don't react well to being told I did well or am good at something. It goes to my head in the worst way. I'd be arriving to work in a stretched limo and wearing sparkly jackets. Emptying the bin and polishing glasses would all of a sudden be beneath me. No one wants that, not even me. I am a better loser than winner, years of practice has conditioned me that way.

It's nice to be noticed but I like it here under my rock. I will probably just carry on doing what I do, loving some customers and spitting in the everyone else's soup. Or at least I'll pretend that's what I'm doing that and kiss butt for the next 3 months......

All that said my name still isn't up on their website yet. Maybe they caught onto my act of smoke and mirrors.....