Monday, 19 November 2007

The Nobel Prize for Waiting goes to...

I would cry too
in fact I'd make Ms Berry look like the personification of control


I got a phone call last Tuesday afternoon from the Glorious Leader (The General Manager) telling me that I was being nominated for an award, Best Front of House. I hadn't realised that the Nobel Committee gave out such an award but there you go. (Local magazine if I'm being truthful) I played it cool on the phone, "Okay, sure, that's fine, thanks for letting me know." But when I hung up the phone I did a little dance of delight around the sitting room. I had to stop though as I was all puffed out from my two minutes of exercise. As I dried the sweat from my brow I began to think about what this could mean. Sure, a night out at a glitzy awards ceremony alongside the great and the good from the local food and drink industry and c list celebrities is all very exciting but there could be repercussions. And not just because I would get blasted to bits on free champagne, I have previous for doing this at awards ceremonies.

The world of competitive waiting isn't a pretty place. There's more eye gouging and back biting than your average ice skating event. "Buy's his trousers in Primark you know." "I heard he doesn't even like Fois Gras!" Oh it's bitchy. God forbid I did make it onto the shortlist or even won, unlikely having seen the nominations so far, I think such an accolade could be some what of a poison chalice. Think about it, people would want to knock you all the time. Customers, and the management, would expect you to be just fan-fucking-tastic on every shift. Let me tell you something, that isn't possible unless you are on something. I have more moods than the Dulux paint collection and most aren't of a positive vibe. It's not as if I would even get a pay rise out of it either.

So what to do? Do I go for it and try and win or do I forget about it and just let whatever happens happen? The awards aren't announced until early next year. That means I have to be nice to everybody at all times between now and next February. Good holy fuck I just don't have that in me. I will have to fight my natural bah humbug instincts. I am a competitive person and will want to win. But I am a lazy person too and cant be bothered with the hassle of it all. And if I did make it on to the shortlist I would want to shout about it on here, and I cant! My secret identity must remain just that. This is catch-22 Manuel style.

Another issue, and major personality flaw, is that I don't react well to being told I did well or am good at something. It goes to my head in the worst way. I'd be arriving to work in a stretched limo and wearing sparkly jackets. Emptying the bin and polishing glasses would all of a sudden be beneath me. No one wants that, not even me. I am a better loser than winner, years of practice has conditioned me that way.

It's nice to be noticed but I like it here under my rock. I will probably just carry on doing what I do, loving some customers and spitting in the everyone else's soup. Or at least I'll pretend that's what I'm doing that and kiss butt for the next 3 months......

All that said my name still isn't up on their website yet. Maybe they caught onto my act of smoke and mirrors.....

24 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Upset Waitress said...

Wow! Over here we have "Hospitality Week". It's comprised of bartenders, bar bitches, bar backs, wait staff, bussers, all competing. It's essentially a drunken fiasco. It's also one of the busiest weeks of the year here.

I suspect you will have to make a Golden Margarita while wheel barreling ice without spilling a drop of drink to the old drunken demanding whore sporting scrambled egg titties.

Good times!

Upset Waitress said...

I forgot to type...I challenge you to competitive waiting. So go for it, and get yer practice in brother!!

Anonymous said...

Best of luck chummy

ellie said...

Congratulations on your nomination. You will have no problem in writing a witty acceptance speech ..... Go for it!

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Well done you! Knock the sprouts off them other lot. Filet their mignons! Champ on their ignons! You can do it, we'll be your cheering squad.

Manuel Waiter, he's our man!
If he can't do it, noone can!
Give us an M! Give us an A! etc.

dave said...

I have to disagree with the others here.
Is it really worth cranking up the 'niceness' factor and not even getting a pay rise out of it?
Definitely not!

Manuel, chill out, have another fag break and don't worry about it.

Mudflapgypsy said...

Awards are meaningless and empty Manuel.
Keep on doing what you do baby.

Your satisfaction and pride in doing a good job should be reward enough.

(Can I have my prize now?)

Manuel said...

Upset Waitress: Hahahahaha. I perform for no one.....I am an artist! Oh and I take your challenge....

Anonymous: Chummy?? Thanks though....

Ellie: HA! Thanks.....

Sam: Thanks.....I'd rather a voting squad all the same....

Dave: You are of course right....where's my lighter

fLAPPERS: Satisfaction? Pride? Oh you mean tips......

Conan Drumm said...

Hmm, I suspect the owner/propietor/boss class of a nasty plot here... nominate all the waiter types for a 'competition' in several months time and watch them all turn into unctuous super waiters as they try to win recognition... and no extra money...

Medbh said...

Well done, Manuel. There's nothing diva-ish about wanting to be recognized for the professional skills and polish that you extend to the patrons every shift. Why not take your moment in the sun? You'll forget about kissing ass to win it once all the holiday bookings start gearing up. You'll be too busy to be worried about it.
Take a bow.

Manuel said...

Conan Drumm; All the waiters? Just me Conan, just me.....see I'm at it already....

Medbh: Aye but I will be such a Diva, I mean I'll make Ms Lopez look normal......now where are my brown m and m's?

Caro said...

I don't really want to know what goes into a Golden Margarita.

Congrats Manuel! You should get started on your acceptance speech just in case. If you're stuck for inspiration, see the episode of Father Ted where Ted wins the Golden Cleric award.

Nick said...

Yes I'm with Conan, it's probably just a devious ploy by the bosses to get all their wait staff running around like blue-arsed flies and grinning maniacally in all directions. Don't fall for it. Carry on being yourself and getting plenty of tips from people who appreciate you just as you are.

Anonymous said...

"Chummy" meant as a term of endearment

tallulahbloom said...

Congratulations!!!

angela said...

aww sweetness, man. good luck.

MJ said...

*rolls out the red carpet*

Try not to trip as you make your way up to the stage to give your acceptance speech.

Niall said...

called in to see u over the weekend was home. figured out just why u werent about, condolences man. and condolences on the awarrd too. an evening with titty von tramp and our julian off utv is enough to weave a rope to hang yourself with

Mr Farty said...

Wot, you don't even get a new apron out of it? Keep pissing in their soup, man. (Not mine, obv)

btw, I'm really, really stupid. How do I submit a picture to that other fab blog of yours? I Can Has Wayterz or something...

Manuel said...

Caro: Oh what a mind you have.....fantastic episode....

Nick: Money is more important than fame....

Anonymous: I gathered that.....just messing with you....

Ms bLOOM: Thanks....

Angela: Cheers....

MJ: Yeah I'll get up there to find my lanyard hanging out......oh that would be my luck.....

Niall: Cheers mate.....

Farty: Email me to storiesformanuel{at}gmail{dot}com

Is it just me? said...

Just remember us poor saps when you've made it kid!.

Manuel said...

Never!You shall wait on me.....hehehehe only joking.....

Deborah said...

That's awesome Manuel! Hehe... a bit of a catch 22 but you have the grace to handle it I have no doubt! ;-)

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