Wednesday, 28 November 2007

Fake tan versus tanning salons and other conversations

if that's the case I'l have a Pimms please...

I miss the company of men. There I've said it. Huh that feels good. I know I have said on more than a few occasions that I don't want another chap working on the floor in the restaurant but sometimes, just sometimes, I wouldn't mind having another bloke about the place. It's the conversations you see, they are getting me down. Last Thursday was particularly bad. The conversation ranged from, and I'm not making this up, babies, hair cuts, fake tan versus tanning salons, shampoo, some awful TV show (I think involving doctors or models or something like that), and ponies. Okay I made the pony thing up but I'm sure if customers hadn't arrived they would have got round to them.

Now don't get me wrong I enjoy working with the ladies, I really do. But I miss the conversations that only men have. The women I work with care not for The Mighty Boosh, or Dave TV, or how good Ronaldo's free kick was on Tuesday night. For example I might start a conversation with, "Did anyone see Curb your Enthusiasm last night?" But my co-workers will hear, "Did anyone see BLAH BLAH BLAH last night?" and instead start talking about the new guy working in the coffee shop up the road. WHAT? Somebody's friend is having a baby and we get day by day accounts of all the mothers movements. In detail. With nothing left out. I cant cope with that. I swear I am growing a uterus. I need to talk about football, and playstation and comics, and Family Guy and stuff. Just stuff. Random stuff the way men do. It's all nonsense I know, and someone's friend having a baby is so much more important but I need something just something to make me feel male.

I'm not a manly man by any stretch of the imagination. I know nothing about cars and fighting and most sports outside of football are a genuine mystery to me. What is the point of golf? But I could do with a male dynamic every so often. For fuck sake one of the women got their hair cut the other day and I noticed! Not only did I notice but I knew what had been done and said, "It looks so fabulous! It really suits you." WHAT THE SWEET HOLY FUCK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT!?! If this continues I can see myself saying things like, "Oh I saw this really lovely blouse the other day that would really bring out the colour in your eyes ooooohhhhhh."

And then there is the issue of attractive ladies in the restaurant. I can't go up to the rest and say, "Did you see the hottie on table four?" And if I do all I get back are things like, "Her roots are showing." or "That dress is from Primark." (Which I now know is a dig) or "What would LMM say if she knew you were looking at the hottie on table four?" She wouldn't say anything she would hit me! They make me feel like a lecherous creep, which I'm not! Honest! But but but ah fuck you know what I mean.......

I'm off to watch more 30 Rock (which my mate assures me is a woman's show up there with Ugly Betty. I'l watch some late night sports to balance it out)

22 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

bendersbetterbrother said...

You can't have your cake and eat it.

As you don't want another alpha manuel about the place you're just going to have to swot up on O.K. and Hello!

Manuel said...

BBB: Oh there'll be no cake eating......

Medbh said...

Manuel, women get tired of the baby talk as well, or at least women like myself who aren't having any. That's not a gendered thing, it's a lifestyle difference. "Sweet holy fuck", you are funny though.
Think of the experience as being a window to another world, that might make it more interesting.
Enjoy "30 Rock."

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

These women are clearly mad. "Curb Your Enthusiasm" is one of the funniest things on the telly.

Anonymous Boxer said...

After working long days and nights I came home to find my husband watching "Gilmore Girls"

We're working through this "dark" part of our relationship.

And he's been watching more sports stuff recently to make up for it.

He's fooling no one.

Conortje said...

I'm confused. I love Ugly Betty and Family Guy. I hate football but also hate baby talk. I've never heard of Dave TV or The Mighty Boosh but you're right - Table Four - She's hot :-)

Dennis said...

"I'll watch some late night sports to balance it out."

Yeah...sure you will. And based on this post, two of the players on the team you favor will likely be pregnant teammates who call you for fashion advice.

Very funny post, Manuel.

Peace,

- Dennis
www.donttipthewaiter.blogspot.com

gimme a minute said...

I too am amongst women, Manuel. I've learned to just accept it and join in. I reckon 'America's Next Top Model' is no fun for Common Law unless I'm there shouting at the television as if it were the dying seconds of Ireland v Spain in Suwon. Her cries of 'Oh please shut up', notwithstanding.

Fucking hilarious post.

Old Knudsen said...

What about Plymouth 1-2 West Brom what the fuck was that about man? fucking robbed, has that Gemma Atikson got big knockers or what?

I'm just humouring you as I suspect you shave yer legs and get a period from the level of sensitivity you demostrate on yer 4 or 5 little blogs compared to my manly 87 blogs.

Rosie said...

i hear you. i am a girl (honest) and it gets on my nerves. i don't do fake tan, shouldn't be allowed to blow-dry my own hair, amn't pregnant and hate soap operas, all of which leaves me in a conversational pickle with most of the budgies i share an office with.

sheepworrier said...

Ah, Dave TV. Brilliant invention. Wall-to-wall 'man' shows. Did you see the Liverpool game las nite?

*belches, scratches crotch, farts*

Mmm, Gemma Atkinson....

Manuel said...

Medbh: I know I know......was worried about your response......If it's a window, I'm drawing the curtains.....

Sam: Damn right it is......it pretty pretty pretty good......

Boxer: The hideous things men do when the women are away......

Conortje: Hehehehehe Conortje you would love The Mighty Boosh......get yourself the dvd.....so worth it.....

Dennis: outed again......

Gimme: Ta ta.......

Old Knudsen: Hahahahahaha

Rosie: It's not easy......

Sheepo: Liverpool? not a fucking chance mate....and other such manly banter.....oh where are the ladies......

MJ said...

I have the Curb DVD collection.

You could cross over the pond and we'll drink whiskey straight from the bottle.

Medbh said...

You don't need to be worried about my response, Manuel. But you made me FEEL BAD that you did.

red said...

I'm kind of in the same situation as Conortje and Rosie, I'm a girl who likes shoes, football, The Mighty Boosh, Family Guy hates fake tan and people talking about babies. But I've decided not to feel muddled- more like well-rounded ;-)

Manuel said...

MJ: Red Breast? mmmmmmmmm Red Breast...lovely Whiskey

Medbh: It's working with all these women.....it's made me more sensitive...

Red: I will embrace it then!!

dave said...

Many years ago when I worked in Winemark, we only had 3 topics of converstaion....
Sex, booze & football.

Once they were exhausted, we went back to the beginning again.
Never got bored of it.

Mudflapgypsy said...

Manny, at least you have football.

I can't stand sport.

Try being male and not liking any sport.

I suspect other men view me as suspect because of this.

I like guns and knives and bows and arrows ...oops...maybe I should stop typing now.

What am I trying to say...?

Oh aye, hate sport, cars and fighting. Like seeing revenge in movies though as it appeals to my sense of justice.
Working with women, I like it but you are so right. You do need some male dynamic going on there.

I'm off to chop down some trees with my axe and read heat magazine afterwards.

Oh Manny, window shopping is acceptable as long as you don't discuss it with 'er indoors or get caught doing it.

Upset Waitress said...

In my eyes(or vagina), a real man is one with a huge penis. My boyfriend has longer fingernails than I do, and he wouldn't get mad that I'm saying this! :)

Manuel said...

Dave: Repeat to fade eh....

Muddy: Too late she has already taken the nick with me about the hottie on table four......good grief.....

Upset Waitress: nice......

Mudflapgypsy said...

UW, that's me truly ruled out then...sigh....

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