Trevor Loves Anthony

"My girl lollipop

You make my heart go giddy-up"

"Tony Bourdain is a very cool character. Tall. Handsome. Hip. Funny. As he fluffed another question that it probably wasn’t fair to ask, I caught myself admiring him as one might admire a drunken friend, impressing some girl on the last bus home with stories that won’t lie down. A waitress, probably. I bet he’s slept with plenty. Looks like Jeffrey Goldblum, dresses like Harvey Keitel. You get the impression that he wants to be buried in black leather. Assumes your confidence and speaks as he writes. No great respect for grammar; farrago of clauses, delivered at a pace that implies a tax on time; sounds like he learned to speak English in the kitchen of a very cheap Chinese restaurant in Queens."

Trevor White (good grief old chap pull yourself together.) From Kitchen Con...

..not to be confused with Kitchen Confidential, which was also written by Trevor White. No, no that's not right, he wrote Kitchen Con not Kitchen Confidential. Anthony Bourdain wrote Kitchen Confidential. Well you can see the confusion can't you. Imitation is the greatest form of flattery. Not that I am implying anything. I'm a big fan of Bourdain too, but there is being a fan and writing "love letters."

I tried to get Mr Trevor White's book yesterday. I searched all the bookshops in Belfast city centre. But woe is me, none was to be had anywhere. It would have been easier to find a copy of Fly Fishing by J R Hartley. I was starting to think it was one of those "This book isn't available in the shops" Time Warner type situations. The good people at Easons said they could get me a copy in 4 to 6 weeks, but that's not gonna help TrevorWhiteWeek™ now is it? I would have ordered a copy on Friday from Amazon but for the postal dispute. The world doesn't want me to read this book. But like the kids from Stand By Me I will go on a journey of discovery to find this book, maybe I will learn something about myself or maybe I will just find a dead guy. It's hard to say. But I must have it.....

It's hard to write a review of a book when you haven't read it. But I like a challenge! There is enough information on the book's website to be getting on with. What I have found to be disappointing is that no one is challenging him on his views. He has appeared on numerous radio and TV shows to promote his book but no one has challenged him on it's content. No one has said "Oi Mr Trevor White, you're wrong." Now this means that he is right and that restaurant customers share his belief or that no one has had the rocks to put it back at him.

Trev, and I think I can call him Trev by now, has a handy section called Dining Dogma. Lets have a little look at what Trev advises restaurant customers.

Here are ten commandments to consider before you venture out on that date with the total stranger who stands between you and the realisation of your disgusting sexual fantasies.
(Eh okay Trev, whatever you say)

1. Don’t go to restaurants that offer you a table at half past anything. If the owners are watching the clock that closely, they don’t know the meaning of hospitality. Utter nonsense. Is it not good hospitality to get a customer in at the earliest available opportunity if that is what they want or what we have available? It is the restaurateurs right to try and maximise the potential of their restaurants. Margins are tight and table turn is important.

2. If you want good food, don’t worry about the glorious waterfront view. Or, as Andy Rooney put it, in a slightly different context: ‘Never trust the food in a restaurant on top of the tallest building in town that spends a lot of time folding napkins.’ A bit of a sweeping statement there Trev. Going out to eat is about more than the food, many factors bring the evening together, the surroundings being one of them. Saying that if you were in my eye line whilst dining I would have to leave....

3. If you want a good table for two, book for three. Rather impudent, but worth remembering for special occasions. Let me tell you really happens when customers do that. They get moved to a table for two! And as all the good tables for two will be reserved already it will be, for want of a better word, a shite table for two. So I would ignore Trev's advice and just go for good old fashioned honesty. "Hello I am celebrating a special occasion any chance of a special table were I may have a wonderful special night?" To which the waiter will reply "Oh yes madam certainly I will reserve out finest table for you right now." How hard is that?

4. If you are shown to a bad table, request a better one. The definition of bad depends on whether you are an exhibitionist. Some diners love sitting in full view of a crowded room, while others dislike the stage. No one likes to sit beside the toilet. Fair enough actually. Even a broken clock can be right. But if there are no other tables left or you showed up without a reservation then don't be getting all uppity. Book early to avoid disappointment.

5. Go to lots of family owned restaurants. There is some satisfaction in knowing that your money is supporting a clan, and not a corporation. Good grief could that be more good advice from Trev? I think it is you know! But then again it is a bit obvious.

Half way through Trev's Ten Commandments. And check him out with his "Ten Commandments", how freaking macho is that? We shall finish the Ten Commandments according to Trev tomorrow. I need a Trev break........

....saying that I hope he writes soon. I'm getting a bit anxious.

I'm not great at photo manipulation

and people said Trev and I had nothing in common!