Is there anything more offensive than "Easy Listening" music?

Daniel or Kerry
take your pick....

There are many factors that can impact on the customers experience in a restaurant. Is the waiter sober, has he washed this week, does he know the difference between lamb and pork, is he writing down your order or the lyrics for his band's new song? Then there are the chefs, are they stoned, have they washed this month, do they know the difference between lamb and pork? A wonky table can leave your white linen pants with a lovely minted jus coloured stain. You could get hepatitis from the dirty glasses, or worse from the toilet seats. (Well aren't you a ray of light and a true ambassador for the hospitality industry-LMM) Hell yeah, going out can be a mine field.

But saying all that you know what pisses people of more? Bad music! They tell me over and over again. Now, you get old people complaining about it being too loud no matter what, and young people complaining that it's not belting out at 10,000 bpm. But people really do get their napkins in a knot if the music is inappropriate or even if it isn't to their taste.

The music in my restaurant is at best eclectic and at worst offensive in the worst way. It is controlled by the ghost of a 1960's DJ/hamster inside a jukebox. It's stored in a very dark corner of the building where only angels, and bar staff, fear to tread. Seriously there are 3 flights of stairs to get to it and the lift stops short of the last flight. So I ain't going near it. If Metallica comes on in the middle of a quiet Thursday lunch service by the time I get to the jukebox it's already too late and it's changed back to something more sedate.

Our music system has a nasty sense of humour. If you have a table of pensioners in for dinner it will move from nice background music to 50cent or Mr M and M's. If you are doing a funeral lunch it will quite unexpectedly play Slayer's "Angel of Death" to the dissatisfaction of all. If you have a football team from a Protestant area of town it plays Republican tunes such as "The Four Green Fields" or "The Men Behind The Wire". Why are those songs even on the machine? WHY? When is the right time to play Republican anthems? I swear it's trying to get be beaten up or at the very least fuck with my tips.

The staff were banned from using the machine ages ago after abusing the "privilege". Fair enough to be honest, you would walk in before the place opened to be met with either Hippidy hop or death metal at maximum output. And quite often it would carry on even after we were open. Managers couldn't hear it as they were safely tucked away in the office, drinking coffee and talking on the phone, or something like that.

But even when the machine isn't making your ears bleed or playing inappropriate tunes it still manages to annoy the hell out of you. When it is properly set it is supposed to play selections of "Easy Listening" during the day and moving it up to the even more upsetting "AOR" at night. It makes me want to rip my fucking ears off sometimes. These tunes are interspersed with "Oirish" music. Now I like traditional Irish music as much as the next person, but traditional this ain't. Daniel O' fucking Donnell, Paddy Reilly, and Foster and bloody Allen torture me all day long with their wrapped up in nostalgia hymns to an Ireland that never existed.

It's cringe-worthy, sometimes I pray for Slayer or even some Jazz. Now Jazz really pisses people off. Restaurateurs think Jazz elevates their eaterie and makes it appear cooler and more intelligent than it actually is. No, no it doesn't it, it just pisses most people off. I like Jazz, I used to have a lot of Jazz Mags too. Ahem.

And then there are events and holidays that require their own special music to be played. From the First of December to the 26th of December it's bloody Shepherds, Mangers, Fah la la la la's, and baby Jesus' and Mary on the Little Donkey. St Patrick's day it's Daniel O'Donnel and the Pogues all day but louder than normal. If there is a concert on in the area we tend to play that particular artist's work until the crowd all heads off to get the real thing. Now this is fine if it's something half decent like...............well I cant think of anything half or even a quarter decent that's been on recently. The night Dolly Parton played was awful, same goes for Rod Stewart and that awful cunt Keith Urban(e). The boy bands are the worst though as they only have about 6 or seven songs so they just get played over and over again for 2 hours.

Now I realise that we have to play music to suit all tastes. Left to me we would all be listening to Americana and Nu-Folk. But it seems to me we are playing music that offends all not pleases all. When I finally do go bonkers with a rifle through the restaurant it will be the music that will trigger me. You will find me in the corner rocking from side to side with my hands over my ears babbling about the Hotel California or The Gambler.....