Friday, 14 September 2007

"Everybody's Talking At Me


Manuel's magic muffs

"Here mate, check the huge Walter Mittys on yer woman!" said the taxi man driving me to work. It was early in the morning and I wasn't in the mood for a "we're all blokes here" sort of conversation. It as followed up with "I had this woman in the car the other night, fucking great she was, she didn't have enough money for the fare......" I switched off. I didn't want to hear anymore of his made up drivel. And he was smelly, and looked like a gargoyle with a carbuncle for a nose. Lies, lies, lies.

I should have said, "Shut the fuck up, you are full of shit and your lies are ruining the start of my day. The last time you "had" a woman was in your dreams, now fuck up and drive." But I didn't, obviously.


"Now, do you see that service charge? We aren't going to pay that, Okay?" said the nasty little woman on the phone who was booking her office Christmas party. Well done madam, you can look forward to some wonderful service come the 7th of December. And some festive "extras" in your soup as well. Happy Christmas, scrooge. Oh and get this, she let slip that her company are paying £25 per person towards the meal, leaving her with less than £10 to add on! Mean, mean, mean.

I should have said, "Listen here, you tight fisted scrooge with a void where your shame should be, catch a bloody grip to yourself. Not paying the service charge? Then take your tight ass else where as I don't need or want your business. I can fill your spot ten times over between now and the 1st of December." But I didn't, obviously.


"You want to try it on? You sure you don't want to try it on?" said the skinny sales assistant, who probably never asked his mother for a second helping of anything at the dinner table, as he sized me up and down. It wasn't that he was sizing me more than he was judging me. Was he calling me fat? Cheeky bastard. Let me tell you if XL doesn't fit me then I'm going on a diet for sure. I'm cuddly and proud! Cuddly, cuddly, cuddly.

I should have said, "Are you calling me fat?" And then broke down in tears wailing about glandular problems and not having been breast fed as a child. That would have put a downer on his perky day. But I didn't, obviously.


"A reservation? Why would I need a reservation on a Thursday night?" said the sneering and patronising man in Farahesque slacks and and bad sports jacket just before he was dumped into the section that time forgot. Wait there and think about booking next time asshole. Dick, dick, dick! (How many dicks is that? A lot! ) Name the film

I should have said, "Because without a reservation you aren't getting in. Now take your bad sports jacket and appalling slacks and fuck off to KFC you Moe Sizlack look-a-like son of a bitch. But I didn't because putting him in the section that time forgot was just as bad.


"Try the wine? When do I get to try the waiter?" said the frisky 50-something lady in front of me and her giggling friends. I went very red and said "eh um er um ha ha ha." Which reads much better than it sounded. In 20 seconds I went from being a cool, sophisticated, professional waiter (Ha!-LMM) to being a 14 year old teenage boy being asked if he had a girlfriend by his dad's mates! Not cool!!

I should have said, "eh um er ha ha ha." Because that is the correct answer to that situation. What the hell else would you say?

I'm off to sit in a darkened room and think about puppies and ice cream and Eric Cantona and all the things that make life liveable.

28 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

angela said...

forget earmuffs, you need some ass-kickin' boots.

toast said...

just a great post

(resevoir dogs obv)

ellie said...

Eric Cantona and ice cream. I often sit in a darkened room and think of them too x

sheepworrier said...

why does every taxi driver have the same feckin lie? you'd think they could make up sumthing a bit more inventive than that!

'oh so jessica alba tickled your testicles last nite because she didnt have £3.50 on her for the fare?'
hmmm....

im trying to lose about 2 stone of cuddliness meself Manuel...

Gaye said...

In my opinion you have done all the "right" things at the time dealing with the rudeness thrown your way. That's the difference between losing it then regretting later and coming back to your blog and posting great stuff (what you thought you could do instead).
Cheers!

Manuel said...

Angela: That would be very sweet....

Toast: Well spotted....on both counts

Ellie: That's not what I meant, but each to their own...

Sheepo: It's like they are handed a book of bullshit stories when they get their PSV licence and Value Cab jumper. Annoys the shit outta me...

Gaye: It's a release, that's fo sure. But one day there's going to be no holding back....

Conortje said...

Great post indeed Manuel (as always) - could you not have said you were full for the christmas party? I really don't get how people can be so mean. And besides that, don't they know who you are???

Manuel said...

Conortje: Thanks! She added it on as a sly remark just before she hung up. Very sneaky....

Conan Drumm said...

Manuel, hilarious! That woman wanted your tip in her pocket for sure. Did they tip well?

Manuel said...

Conan Drumm: Yes she did! I got off lightly, they were on their way to Northern Ireland's sexiest man competition! Good grief, someone may have been assaulted.....

Conan Drumm said...

"Northern Ireland's sexiest man competition!" !!!

Oh do tell, did what's-his-name, the UTV announcer, win? Or have things really changed in "the province"?

Fresh Hell said...

Poor darling. What a bunch of tools you have to endeavor. Great for posting though.

Manuel said...

Conan Drumm: I know it sounds like a nightmare eh! Province my arse, I hate that phrase. I'm sure some dj or model or estate agent won it. This country is obsessed with anything to do with house prices.....

FNH: Every cloud has a silver blog lining.....

sheepworrier said...

"Northern Ireland's Sexiest man Competition"....

Bernard McHugh? Remember him? Ginger scrote? Yes.

Conan Drumm said...

Well, I reckon you're in the biggest boom town in western Europe. The last few times I was there you could smell the money being minted.

Manuel said...

Sheepworrier: No idea,I remember Bernard Lavery though. He got lots of money for years.....

Conan Drumm: Lots of catching up being done. They are building everywhere, on every bit of scrub land. I find myself serving money men from all over the world every night of the week. There is an apartment block going up near work and th apartments have been sold 3 times already without a brick being laid! It's all good for the most part, but lets not lose our soul in the rush to develop....

sheepworrier said...

Manuel: he was the fella from tyrone who was on blind date in the 90s - became a (thankfully) brief celeb in norn iron for a while.

I think most of the fellas here look like Mr Tayto anyway, and most of the ladies aint much better...

Manuel said...

Sheepo: Holy fuck! The things you remember! Mr tayto?! Thanks, I'm more of a wotsit look-a-like....

Anonymous Boxer said...

I have a version of this but I usually end up in my car, alone, screaming.

Despite your hellish day at least it turned into a good post?

fatmammycat said...

Oh god I feel so bad about this, but I swear, the posts where you are really having a grouch are the funniest ever. So sorry for laughing at your pain.
I hope you have a night off over the weekend to unwind.

iamnot said...

Bad days make for great posts. Next time the cabbie speaks, tell him about the frisky benefits of your job.

savannah said...

you make me smile, sugar...off to the post tomorrow...life has settled into ...i'm not sure, but i CAN finally send the cd!

Old Knudsen said...

Reservation Dogs to be exact.

Manuel said...

Anonymous Boxer: I know exactly how you feel...but if it wasn't for bad work days I wouldn't have good blog days!

FMC: I really like your new cat thingy, very funny...I share my pain so that you all may learn...

IAMNOT: The next time he says something like that I'm getting out and walking!

Savannah: Great to see you back! You take your time and never be worrying about it!

Old K: Genius!

Medbh said...

I like the un-censored Manuel much better than the polite version. You should try him out on people. Well, not in work obviously because you'll be broke being the honest waiter, but on other people it might be an interesting experiment. Especially on that asshole clerk who implied weight issues.

Deborah said...

Too funny Manuel! Just what I needed today! ;-) I'm a few (ok at least a week) behind on my feeds...

Manuel said...

Medbh: No, no I need to say less not more....

Deborah: Are you getting the feeds ok?

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