Beneath this warm and cuddly exterior, lies the heart of a killer...

You want some do ya...?

Well not really but when pressed into action I can become more than a bit animated. But I am more Raging Lamb than Raging Bull. But I was prepared to lay down my fists of fury the other night when a lady came out of the bathrooms all a flutter and shocked announcing "There's a man in there!"

Oh really is there now...

I press-ganged The Princess into coming with me into the ladies conveniences. I didn't want to enter such a sacred and hallowed place without a female with me. The judge has warned me about this.

So there we were in the ladies toilets, oh what joy. I was thinking this wasn't going to end well. How could it. Why would there be a chap in the ladies? What could he be doing? That particular thought had me very vexed. I have had experience with these sorts before when I worked in a coffee shop. There was a regular customer who it turned out like to expose his "Grande" to all the young ladies. It's not a fun situation...

[knock knock] "Hello, who's in there?" I enquired in the sternest "man" voice I could muster.

The reply was more than a bit of a shock "Hello? Eh there's no toilet roll..." Said the confused and somewhat cheesed of lady.

Lady? What the fuck!? We were at the wrong cubicle door. We hadn't checked to see if there was anyone else there. The Princess ran to get the lady some toilet roll and duly passed it over the top of the cubicle door to a well manicured and painted hand. So again..

[Knock knock] "Hello, who's in there?" I asked again getting really annoyed

"Aye mate...I know I know. I shouldn't be here...." replied the anxious chap

"SHOULDN'T BE HERE? SHOULDN'T BE HERE? GET OUT OF THERE NOW!" I was not in the mood for this messing about and became very aware that there was no one working in the restaurant as The Princess and I were both in the ladies toilets. She was manning the door to prevent any ladies from entering. We didn't need any one else in there. And we still hadn't established what he was up to.

"What the hell are you doing in the ladies toilet?" I asked towards the cubicle door. "In fact I really don't care just get out..."

"But listen mate.."

"Don't you "mate" me, just GET OUT!"

"Aye... but.... here just let me explain..."

"I swear to God if you don't get out of that toilet now..."

And then the door opened. Good job too as I had no idea what I was going to do if he hadn't opened the door. There was no way I was going to break it down. Imagine the horrors that could have faced me on the other side. He stood there all sheepish and thankfully, smaller than me.

"Right, you are out of here. Don't even try to explain, you know very well you shouldn't be in the ladies toilet."

I was ushering him towards the door, well trying to. He wanted to explain his actions. I just didn't care. I wanted him out of the toilets, and out of the building. I was also aware that the lady who needed the toilet roll was still in her stall. That's not good. Very not good.

As I frog marched him downstairs to the bar he told me that he had to use the ladies toilets as he had thrown up in the gents and the smell was making him sick. So rather than throw up again he thought he would use the ladies instead. What a regular Stephen Hawking! Bravo genius boy!

"So let me get this straight, you threw up in the gents toilet, didn't tell anyone or attempt to clean it up, then decided to use the ladies toilet?"

"Aye mate... But here..."

" Nah, don't want to here any more, you are out of here"

We were now standing beside his five much larger friends. Who were giving me the "What's your problem mate?" look of death. Now my serene and jovial night had been torn asunder by a midget (anyone smaller than me must be technically a midget) going pee pee in the ladies toilet and I wasn't in the mood for any more arsing about.

"Listen you lot can knock it off too. He's out of here for throwing up and for being in the ladies toilet. So if you want to stay that's fine but this one is a goner. Good? Right!"

I made sure he went and then bombed back up to the toilets to find a pool of ...

Well you can imagine. When I got back to my section my tables were giving me a look of abandoned children. But twenty minutes later all was back on track and the midget who likes to pee in the ladies toilet was but a distant memory.

I could have beat his ass. Bitch.

Sometimes I frighten myself....