Killing Him Softly with my Song

The customers I remember the most are the customers that annoy me the most. It says a lot about my mental make up. I might leave work a hundred quid to the good but I will bitch the whole way home to the taxi driver about the one table who told me how fantastic I was but never left a red cent! (the dreaded verbal tip). As my father used to say, "You can't get drunk on compliments!!" As a waiter my glass is always half empty. All you can do is chalk it up and move on. Well almost all you can do...

Waiters have to remain calm, cool, and professional at all times, under all conditions. The muzzle can be removed when things get physical or the customer drops the veneer and his true psycho personality is revealed. But this doesn't mean we can't exact our own revenge on offending customers. Returning customers with bad tipping records will struggle to get a table on even the quietest nights, orders can be held back for lengthy periods before making it to the kitchen, silent farts (crop dusting), the list is limited only by your imagination. The only draw back is that you have no recourse if you get caught on by the customer and they complain. Do you really want to defend yourself to the GM for aggresive farting?

The greatest tactic in the waiters considerable armoury is Killing With Kindness(KWK). This is full prooof when deployed correctly. The customer has no grounds to complain but knows he has been done over. A well executed KWK attack will leave the customer bewildered. If he returns he will think twice about treating you like his bitch. It works best with pompous arrogant types. Here is a quick "how to":

1. Everything they order is "brilliant" "fantastic" a "marvellous choice", even if they have just asked for a jug of water.

2. Loud fake laughter at anything resembling a joke.

3. Constantly fuss over him, check and re-check him on every course. Ask about seemingly trivial things such as the carrots or if his water is cold enough. Get a fresh jug no matter what he says.

4. Ensure that your comrades on the floor are in on it too and get them to join in the checking and re-checking. The mark wont be able to get a conversation started let alone finished without a waiter butting in.

5. As the customer is leaving ensure everyone gives him a big over the top "Disney Time" goodbye. Do everything except hug him. Look almost sad to see him go.

That normally does the trick. You've had your fun and he has nothing to complain about. What's he gonna say? "The waiter was too nice"