Monday, 19 March 2007

"Were you wearing your Incredible Hulk pants?" and other weekend stories

And thank God I wasn't! I had ripped my trousers from crotch to belt whilst humping about an over full buss tray. Thats the last time I help a kp. Nobody needs my ass poking out and winking at them during their lunch. But, thankfully, I had a charming pair of black pants on. Losing the ass of your trousers 4 hours into a 13 hour shift aint good. Not good for me and not good for the dining public. I took it as an omen for the weekend ahead. A quick trip to Dunnes and my ass was covered again, much to the satisfaction of all. But thats enough about my rear end.

The weekend was a success. In this case I measure success with the following formula:

number of wobblys thrown [me] + number of wobblys thrown [customers] / cash made = was it worth it

There are other factors to be taken into account, management wobblys, hours of sleep, etc, but for this weekend we are keeping it simple. I kept the wobblys down to an acceptable 3 (thats on my count, other estimates vary). Customers wobblys, that involved me, were a fantastic one! And the cash was great.
St Patricks day was good despite a less than smooth start. We got nailed from the off and it took an hour or so to get on top off things. And it was at this point that I had my run in with "Mr pokey finger". We were in the shit if we are going to be honest. The doors kept opening and tables were getting filled quicker than we could cope. Times like this you get your head down, avoid eye contact with everyone except the table you are serving, and get stuck in. You instinctively know the order in which tables were sat and you proceed in that order.

Mr Pokey Finger was the lead grunter in a table of 8 that I had seated. I told them that we were busy but that I would be back in a couple of minutes to get their order. I fake smiled and moved on. They seemed fine. But minutes later, as I was at another table, I was aware of a large bulk coming towards me (when I say large I mean fucking huge, believe me, he blocked out the light!). I carried on with the table I was serving only to be distracted by a sharp poking pain in my shoulder, Mr Pokey Finger! He poked me in the shoulder in time with every word that came out of his mouth.
"We" poke
"are" poke
"leaving." poke
"You" poke
"never" poke
"took" poke
"our" poke
"order" poke.

At this point I swivelled round to get out of range of his poking finger. At first I was shocked and was about to tell him to get fucked when I became very aware of the Swedish family looking up at me and then him.

"Sir, settle yourself. I'm very sorry sir but as you can see we are very busy" I offered by way of an apology. But he was on his way, I was so tempted to go after him but I still had the mater of what little Kjell was having for lunch. They smiled at me rather nervously but we were on laughing terms by the end of their lunch. It took about ten minutes for the rage to subside in me. The GM got a barrel full when I saw him next. He was up to his neck in pints of Guinness and I could see the look in his face as I roared on about my troubles. His expression said "oh would you just shut the fuck up". I don't think he got the full gist of my grievance but seemed more sympathetic when I explained it again later during a quieter period.

Twenty minutes later we were fully staffed and the rest of the day went like a dream. The customers were great, as was the kitchen, and I remained "wobbly free" for the rest of the day.

Mothers day was a success too. It was just an hour too long though and I had really had enough by about 7 o'clock. In retrospect I shouldn't have worked it. It's not my favourite day and I was just too emotional to work it. By the end of the shift I was so grumpy I could hardly speak. But I started well though. I was using all my best lines to inpress the mothers.

Table of four ladies, 3 daughters and their mother "Good afternoon ladies, how are you all today? Did you not bring your mother out?" All 4 laugh and the mother goes a little red.

Another table of four, same setup but "Ladies if you are going to order wine I will need to see some id". They were slightly shocked at first as they thought I was being serious and then burst out laughing.

These lines are very cheesy but they work. They relax the table straight away and you have a good raport with them from the off. And it never hurts to tell and older lady she looks young! The ladies got drunk and had a great night and despite my prevoius protestations they do deserve it.

Here's to you mum.

All in all it was a good weekend and I made good money, which is all that really counts, and the customers (Mr Pokey Finger aside) all seemed to have a good time which is important too.
Roll on next year eh!

3 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Anonymous said...


All us gals love cheezy lines from waiters and bar staff... especially if their ass is showing :)

Crispy said...

Can't think why I never left a comment the first time round. I would have laughed my leg off to see your wee whips hanging out the back of your trousers, v funny indeed. I do remember the drama. Remember this year it will be different, the Pope says so, St Paddy's day will be the 15th this year!!!

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